Sometimes I feel like the world keepss moving past me but I can't get up and move. I feel so stagnant and I try to move along with time but I feel glued to the past. Special moments are fleeting but I can't seem to grab anything. Confined and useless. It's not an emptyness but a fullness of something dragging me down. A denial of the flow of the world, a refusal to believe that moments pass, people change, and love breaks.

So I try to keep up with the world. Going to this and that. Looking for a job. Trying to focus on school work. But my attention keeps coming back to the way things were, the way things were supposed to be, and the way I thought things were going to be. People around me have changed. The world has certainly been changed. Times have changed. Why am I not changing? Did I get too comfortable in the fact that I've been living in the same house for more than a few years for a change? Is there a stability that I always wanted and got here that's keeping me from changing? Am I running out on my ability to adapt, changing myself as I used to all the time when I was little?

It used to be awkward to think about how long I've stayed in this one town. I spent two good years of my life here unable to get over a trauma. Always expecting to pick up and move soon. Somewhere in between 8th and 9th grade, I guess I realized that I have to make friends, open up, because I wasn't going anywhere else for a very long time. Now that I'm leaving here in a year, I start to regret those two years I've wasted as a lifeless body wandering around instead of trying to get over it, move on, and spend time with people I've come to know as my friends.

Now I'm stuck in the same situation, but with a little more knowledge and wisdom to protect myself from wasting the year I have left. I force myself to be more active, to be a little bit friendlier. I force myself to swim out of the past instead of drowning in it. I force myself, a little bit at a time, to enjoy the way things are. I force myself.