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| "Hello?" "Hey, B, what's up?" "I'm fine too, thanks... so what's up?" "... what's wrong?" ".... what? How?" "... Oh my god, I told him all the time... That's terrible, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" "Sure." "..." "... he did?" "... he didn't?" "Well... thank you for telling me... Are you sure you're okay?" "Sure, I'm okay... If there's anything I can help with..." "Oh, right..." "I'm sorry." "I'm still sorry." "... oh all right, keep in touch, okay?" "Good bye." ----------------------------- Why do people binge drink?
Why do people do drugs?
Why do people fall in love?
Is it because we're missing something inside or is it because we need to be in a constant state of dependency?
Do we compromise our lives to feel secure for a moment?
Why do we forget about the happiness of those around us?
Do we shed our independence to be whole?
Does anything fill up that empty hole inside us, even for a moment?
And why do we always ask these questions too little too late? Please think one more time before you take another cup.
Please think one more time before you decide to experiment out of boredom.
Please think one more time before you say something that will hurt someone who loves you and who you love. There might be a lifetime to make up your mistakes
There might be but a moment to redeem them
There might not even be a chance at all. What is it that the grandmother said to Oskar in ELIC? "It's always necessary." Did no one see you under that table?
I wish I did.
I wish I saw the pain you were under, the people you were hanging out with, the good intentions of your heart, the situation you were put in.
I wish I was older when I met you, so I would have understood.
Would I even have seen it more clearly if I was older?
Or did not seeing it more clearly make me older?
I wish I never said those hateful words to you. I wish I left you a shred of hope. I wish I kept in touch with you. I wish so many things, but I can't change what had already happened. There's so many things I wanted to say.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I forgive you.
Stop it.
You're better than that.
I understand.
Please get better.
I love you. I didn't think it was necessary. I had days, months, years to think it over. Some day, one day, I would swallow my pride and hurt to go back and say it. Why are these books so true? It's always necessary. | | |
| I love xanga. And will never want it to disappear. But I feel like my facebook notes are good enough for my random bouts of writing. Like this one I'm having 11 in the morning. I woke up like an hour and a half ago, by the way. I think this summer vacation thing is invading my circadian rhythm. Must. Sleep. Earlier. Watched Dark Knight... Dang, I hated the first batman movie. This one kind of rocked. Maybe it's because of Heath Ledger. I mean, I heard his performance was good, but I didn't expect it to be *that* good. He was kind of still good-but-not-that-unique in 10 Thing I Hate About You. In Brothers Grimm, he was much better. But I really feel like he lived up to Jack Nicholson's portrayal of the Joker. If Nicholson stuck completely true to the comic book version of the Joker, Heath Ledger bought that character in to reality, as something tangible. No one can match Nicholson's creepy laughter (ever. never ever) but no one can live up to the realism that Ledger doused on the character. Even the make-up change lends to the realism- while Jack's Joker was more polished and even-toned, Heath's Joker showed the ugly, incomplete, and cracked face of the Joker, something so subtlely different from the comic book Joker. The original Joker gave me the creeps because it was so out of this world- this one gave me the chills because it was so real and possible. Hmmm... My voice sounds like crap, it's kind of awesome. I should go running over the summer, improve my cardio, maybe. Maybe. Working at the hospital Mondays and Fridays. Emergency and Mommy&Baby unit! Fun... I'll probably become an expert on handing out water by the end of the summer. I'll have like almost 60 hours in by the end of the summer, though, it's great. I'm contemplating whether I'll be able to do it during the school year also... Some saturdays here and there, Friday nights... I have a serious On Air withdrawl. I mean, it's been months... but it was so good!!! I can't follow Iljime or Choikang Chulwoo because... I'm just so not in to historical fiction stuff -_- Getting used to not having breakfast. It's not good. I keep eating a lot during lunch and dinner instead. Bad. Very bad. Also, I'm craving for Bubble Tea. It must be my let's-crave-random-trendy-asian-food month. First sushi, now bubble tea? What's next, Pinkberry??? Note to self- FLUSHING is the root of evil. Stop being addicted to that town. I blow $50 at least every time I go there. Damn, it's 5-hour car ride to Cornell? Aggghhhhh.... It's too far away. I think I'm gonna have to visit somewhere else. Somewhere closer. | | |
| Little things that made me happy today: - They gave us lunch at orientation! It was only a flat small piece of pizza. But who cares, free food! - Popeyes! I went to the one near Hofstra. Couldn't pig out because they gave us free lunch already, but had coleslaw and split a piece with mom. Screw KFC. There are not enough Popeyes on the island. It was small but who cares? I'm willing to have just the coleslaw and a biscuit. - I bought a swimsuit. And the top and the bottom fits! WEIRD. Maybe my upper body and lower body finally came to an agreement? Normally, the top is obnoxiously short or the bottom is unapologetically huge. - I discovered ume-tea. Or Maeshil-cha as we know it. Except it's a power form not syrup. But whatever! Delicious! My mommy forgot to buy cran-grape, so I discovered this instead. Now I'm going to go have an iced-maeshilcha party. Things that might make me even happier: - Finishing the calc assignment (the end is in sight!!!! only three sections!!!) - A brilliant dream from god that pinpoints me to the exact college I'm supposed to be applying for. - My headache going away (they had the ac full blast at the orientation) - My mom or dad winning the lottery. | | |
| Sometimes I feel like the world keepss moving past me but I can't get up and move. I feel so stagnant and I try to move along with time but I feel glued to the past. Special moments are fleeting but I can't seem to grab anything. Confined and useless. It's not an emptyness but a fullness of something dragging me down. A denial of the flow of the world, a refusal to believe that moments pass, people change, and love breaks. So I try to keep up with the world. Going to this and that. Looking for a job. Trying to focus on school work. But my attention keeps coming back to the way things were, the way things were supposed to be, and the way I thought things were going to be. People around me have changed. The world has certainly been changed. Times have changed. Why am I not changing? Did I get too comfortable in the fact that I've been living in the same house for more than a few years for a change? Is there a stability that I always wanted and got here that's keeping me from changing? Am I running out on my ability to adapt, changing myself as I used to all the time when I was little? It used to be awkward to think about how long I've stayed in this one town. I spent two good years of my life here unable to get over a trauma. Always expecting to pick up and move soon. Somewhere in between 8th and 9th grade, I guess I realized that I have to make friends, open up, because I wasn't going anywhere else for a very long time. Now that I'm leaving here in a year, I start to regret those two years I've wasted as a lifeless body wandering around instead of trying to get over it, move on, and spend time with people I've come to know as my friends. Now I'm stuck in the same situation, but with a little more knowledge and wisdom to protect myself from wasting the year I have left. I force myself to be more active, to be a little bit friendlier. I force myself to swim out of the past instead of drowning in it. I force myself, a little bit at a time, to enjoy the way things are. I force myself. | | |
| I'm feeling so lazy and burnt out nowadays... I have no idea why. I still have 3 regents and 3 finals to look forward to. And I definately need to study for some of those. (Thank goodness, no AP Bio final!) It just seems so pointless nowadays. But it's not. Pointless, I mean. Am I a bad kid? I keep wondering if I'm a good child to my parents. Like how come I'm still being locked up in my room if I get good grades and test scores and stuff? Why are my parents so afraid of me going outside and meeting people and hanging out with my friends? Am I like totally corruptable and must be sheltered from the world? I don't understand... Like Flushing. It's Flushing. Nothing's gonna happen. Nothing happened in the city and obviously nothing's happening in Flushing. "Oh no, but you might get MUGGED". Oh. No. No. First off I've never heard of anyone being mugged in Flushing, and second of all, I'm not really a prime target for mugging since none of my clothes/accessories are expensive. It's not like I'm gonna venture in to gang territories and start a war. But that must be what my parents are thinking because they freaked out today when I told them I went to a friend's house in Wantagh. Because Wantagh is such a far-off and dangerous destination. I keep thinking this must be a result of my failure as a daughter but I don't get it. I'm more afraid of me losing stuff constantly... not like getting mugged or robbed. What's gonna happen when I go away to college??? I'd better move somewhere far far away because otherwise they'd be wasting precious gas checking up on me every other weekend. Arrrgh, it's not like they're giving me financial support either!!! Okay they pay for my tests. Which happen to be costly most of the time. But like, I feel like there should be a give-and-take relationship established. They'll give me tons of restrictions on what I do with my time and I'll take the money to pay for my field trips, clothes, supplies, and food. I suppose I should at least be thankful that they at least provide me with the ingrediants necessary to feed myself. And really, field trip costs I can handle okay. But clothes cost so much money nowadays!!! Urrrgh.... I think I have enough clothes to last me over the summer, due to the whole buying-stuff-before-korea thing that went on last summer. I really need a job. I'm running out of money FAST. Our school's prom is tonight. How is it that I immediately think about how I'm going to finance prom stuff as soon as I hear that word? It's like I don't want to think about money... but money matters! I really want a nice, high-quality dress. Like that orange wonder-dress-contraption I word during the play!!!! So poofy on the bottom and just right on the top... Okay but kinda need a JOB because I have NO MONEY even IF i DID find the amazing dress of my dreams. Oh man. I see a buttload of money going out of my pockets for senior year... Yearbook, t-shirts, trips, prom... dang... Hm my grandmother's 70th birthday party tomorrow... I don't know what I'm wearing... It's not like I have a fitting dress for the occasion. I'm pretty sure I don't have a hanbok. Yet I'm guessing I can't really show up in t-shirt and jeans. Oh, well... Maybe this will motivate the parents to give me money to buy decent clothes. | | |
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